sweetabsence23

I love sunday mornings. Waking up early when the rest of the household is still sleeing in. Its just wonderful basking in the glow of this quiet. This place is never quiet. There is always someone up bothering me about something. Even in the morning, Im up and getting ready for work and someone will wake up and start talking to me about something. I dislike having to talk to someone this early in the morning. I usually respond in unintentional crabbiness towards them. I hate feeling like Im being overwhelmed with the day ahead. Just let me warm up to the day.

Lately and once again I feel stuck. I feel like I will never leave this place and start the next chapter in my life. Its hard for me to explain to other people why living here is so undesireable. Especially, Marc doesnt get it. I mean he really is living the life when you look at it. His parents want him to move out but at the same time they dont push it. He has always been babyed his whole life, and it started when he was sick as a kid. I think they dont know how to push him into doing something, because they always had an excuse for him. Growing up, it was a good excuse. Now its just redicculous.

Marc got a call back to Toyota now that the store is owned by different people now. He probably is going to be paid less, but at least its a job. This means I will be moving out right? Well... wrong. As soon as Marc told me about his new job he said he probably wont make enough to move out. Seriously? NO! Thats is not the plan. We agreed that a month after he started his job, we would move out. Now he is saying that he cant afford it. I just feel like he wont ever be ready to leave his comfort zone. I should not be engaged for a year and still not live with my own fiance. Thats just not normal!

I am SO beyond ready to move on to the next step in my life. But here I am waiting for other people in my life to get it together. Im stuck because I dont want to live alone... my living expenses would be really tight and having Marc live with me would be really helpful with that. But I just might have to suck it up and move out, with or without him because at this point Im getting really desperate to move forward. This is a matter of my happiness and being able to have good relationships with my brother and dad.

Im having a "Omg, Im not going to amount to anything in life" moment tonight. The one thing I wish for is to be satisfied with the life that Ive created for myself. I dont want to look back and regret a moment where I chose something which created a chain of events which lead me to somebody that I dont want to be. /End of moment.

Ive been a little self asorbed this week, which is a good thing.... since I am suppose to be working on doing stuff for me. But I also have realized how having me time makes me kind of hide from the world. I tend to cut people off and make excuses for reasons why I dont want to go out and do something. I feel likes thats the unhealthy part of focusing on me... I dont know how to focus on me AND not isolate myself.

Ive gotten a taste of what it would be like to live on my own this past few weeks and man, have I loved it. Marc and I visited Washington, DC and were able to reconnect like I was hoping to. It was really fun going on a purposely planned vacation with him or what we called, "our adventure" for a week. What I loved most was not only being able to put our attention on each other and spending  time together but we also got a taste of living together.... or should I say, playing house. It was freeing to just be with him and in a positive environment, even in the restraints of a new place and within a small hotel space.

This weekend was also the best Ive had in a long time probably because it was spent away from the family for the most part. Marc and I planned on seeing a movie on Friday night and going out for drinks and dinner. But he realized his homework was going to take him longer then he thought so we just went out for dinner. I told him that I wouldnt mind going and renting some, which he was relieved about. He says he always feels bad when Im over and he is doing homework because he cant pay attention to me. :) Aww. Really? Was Marc actually saying that he cared about how **I** felt? lol Wow. So I rented Twilight and Madagascar (lol, I know. I was in a mood for them...) and watched Twilight in the living room while he did homework. After my movie ended, I came into his room to go to bed. It was around 1am and he was already sleeping. I crawled into a warm spot under the covers and fell asleep quite comforted by the fact that I  felt cared about and thought of.

Saturday was such a beautiful day. The sky was clear and although it was only 63 degrees and windy, it made you feel good inside. I got ready and ran some errands by myself. I even stopped at a couple (crappy) garage sales, got myself a coffee and evenually made my way back to Marc's. It was nice getting out on my own and driving around. Turning up the music, rolling down the windows and having my shades on. There is just something about Marc's car that makes me feel good. (Marc has been driving the Passat and Ive been driving his car.) Its a hot little car and its practicly made for crusin'. Anyways, I get back and help Marc made this Cuban pork dish for dinner. We had Tim and Sarah over for dinner and margaritas. It was a relaxing time and was also our first dinner party that we put together ourselves. lol We cleaned the house and everything! ha ha. I loved it.

Today kind of was soured by the fact that I had to make into family day. My dad's birthdat was last week so I knew we were going out for dinner later in the day to celebrate it. We were going to go to the flea market this morning, but I was awaken by my cell flashing this morning around 530am. It was a text from my brother saying that they just got home from my Uncle Doug's at 4am. So I basically turned the alarm off and gave up on believing that they would be up and ready to go around 730 when I got home. I went back to sleep and then evenually got up and ready. I met Derek for coffee, stopped at the Michaels for some craft supplies for this project at work and made it home around 300pm. Hows that for avoiding the family for two days? We left pretty quick after me getting home, and went to dinner. Marc met us there and kept a low profile during dinner. He really dislikes my family. I just wished he tried harder in liking them... or faking it. I know its his way of not getting pissy at them and being protective of me....

So that was my weekend! It was so nice having a relaxing weekend around people that I get along with. It made me hopeful for the future that needs to be pushed to the present.

Wow. Its been almost a month since I updated last. Ive been really busy with school lately and have been also finding it hard to balance school with fun time. Ive allowed important  school stuff take a backseat over the past couple of months and it had suddenly piled up on me. This past week had been the most stressful with two papers due and a presentation.... but the important thing is that its over!!! I have to mention however, its time to get back on the pill because my face has really broken out due to the stress of the week. :( NOT cute! I should also get back on it for the fact that I do not want children in the near future!!!

Relief is in the future! Marc and I are visiting washington, DC from Tuesday to Saturday next week. Im pretty excited that I was able to talk him into going somewhere because I really need to get out of my current environments and get a chance to relax! Ive always wanted to see a few of the Smithsonian museums and see the monuments. It looks like there will be a chance of rain everyday we are there next week but scattered. :( I am hoping that it gets done with early in the day and remains dry the rest of the day. lol Thats just my hopeful thinking!

Im also hoping that this trip will help me reconnect with Marc. We havent been spending much time together lately and the times we do have been a little tension filled due to my annoyance with him. :( He has been acting like a completely baby and its driving me crazy. I should start thinking of him in terms of toddler in order to deal with his daily fits of whining and tantrums. lol

Yeah, kind of a funny metaphor there... But I dont want to get into it before I can develop my thinking further about it.