sweetabsence23

Ive been meaning to write, but I feel like I havent had the time or energy to update this thing. Ive been so tired for the past couple of weeks that I can hardly get out of bed and cant hardly wait to get to bed at night. This is probably due to all the stress Ive been going through with Marc leaving for school, and the end of the semesterness. I can really tell when I havent had good journal writing time because it all starts building up in my head. Im back-logged, people. lol

Marc isnt going to Kansas City anymore for school... now he is offically going to Redstone College in Colorado. He realized that the school in Kansas City was just so redicculously expensive that Colorado was a better choice. They also make sure you have a job at the airport while your going to school so that will help with being able to see each other. The program is a year and a half, straight through. How am I doing? Well, I am passed the inital shock and the nights of crying about living the year and a half ahead alone in this apartment, to him. I understand its for our future. He is sick of living paycheck to paycheck and doesnt want us to struggle. Its just really hard because Im going to miss him like crazy.

After talking about this for a month, Ive tried to focus on the positive aspects of him leaving for school and it has helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its going to be good for me to live on my own for awhile since Ive never had a independant moment in my life so far. Living by myself is going to be hard to get used to but I think it will be nice to not have any distractions and focus on myself for a year. I REALLY need to work on my health. I need to work out more often and eat better... and thats my number one priority. I wont have the unhealthy boy-food around and I can get back to getting like I used to before August! Next semester I am doing my internship and capstone so its really important for me to be focused on school and work during those months as well. This isnt all negative and I need to keep thinking about the benefits of it!

There is a (awesome!) two floor studio apartment near here, I am thinking about moving into when our lease is up here next August. Marc's parents are figuring out how to help Marc since they cannot co sign for a loan for living expenses (since they co signed for all of his older brother's loans). They may end up paying his half of the rent here so Marc will be able to afford living down there. Nice parents huh? lol I havent even told my dad about this whole... Marc leaving for school... thing. He'll probably want me to move home and wont understand why I didnt want to. Im really avoiding that whole discussion as long as I can.

My classroom is going really good right now. Stacy is a lot of help to me and the kids and parents love her. What else could I ask for? :) We finally have gained a couple of new girls to help balance out the high energy dominating boys that I have (9 boys, 5 girls). Its so its to nice to have a better handle on everything at work. It really gives me piece of mind. :)

I hate to end this short but Grey's is coming on and of course, I cant miss it! ;p

Tonight was the first time my dad ever went out his way to apologize to me. He called me to say he was sorry for ruining my birthday and said that he wasnt mad at me for any reason (could have fooled me! :( ) but he was bother because Marc didnt come with. "Its fucking him, Jenny. He didnt fucking come with and thats why I was mad." The reason why Marc didnt come was because he couldnt afford to come with us to dinner. He made me my birthday dinner on Saturday and was sad that he couldnt afford to come with my brother and dad out to eat at a restaurant... and as much as I would have liked him there I totally understood. Besides this outing wasnt about him anyways, it was about having my birthday with my family. And why does it even matter anyways? If it didnt bother me that he couldnt come then why should it matter to my dad that he wasnt there? 

Although I understand how hard it was for him to admit that he was wrong and to go out of his way to make it right with me right away and to say sorry, and as much as I accept his apology... I still dont understand where he gets off in going so far in the situation to tell me that quite frankly that Im not apart of the family. I understand people say hurtful things when they are angery but is there ever a need to go that far? I mean, thats not just hurtful... that is painfully heart breaking. I dont understand how one little argument turns into every single fight that we have ever had. And why couldnt this wait for a different day, other then my birthday? Arent I allowed one day to be honored for being an asset in other peoples lives and not be told that I am burden. That part gets me too.

*sigh*

Im really happy that its over though. I didnt know how I was going to get past this one. This apology is going to help me move forward and not dwell as much as usual with this fights.

Marc made me a wonderful steak dinner saturday night and then Marc's parents invited us over for bagels and juice for breakfast this morning. But tonight my dad made it apparent that the only family I have is Marc. At least that was one of the many things he said to me on the way to dinner tonight with my brother. During, of which, he decided to ignore me the whole entire time. I invited him over to watch football next Sunday (something he has done since the season has started) and I guess he is busy for no apparent reason on that day.

If you dont have the support of your family. if you dont have that foundation around you to keep you going no matter what... then what do you have? Friends? Yes, but its not like family.... it just isnt. I mean, I was just amazed out of all days of the year to try to get along, he didnt try to make my birthday into anything special. Does he wish I was never born? There are some days where I think that and today almost confirmed it for me. :( I feel so horrible tonight.

Happy Birthday. :( 

I need a Maggie Sottero wedding dress. *dreams* 

www.maggiesottero.com

"Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you but all I know is that I should."

I'm sick of not being able to breathe because of this damn cold and made worse about Marc constantly talking about leaving for school. I'm overwhelmed damnit and I just want to pull the covers over my head and scream!

Its so honestly annoying when Marc gets behind on his homework and begs for me to help him. Its actually pretty hard for me to say no, because Im a nice person and I have came to the rescue before. Its just that I dont get anything in return... and thats mostly the frusterating part for me. So I am not going to spend my Sunday evening doing his homework. Sorry! It sucks that your behind and that your stressed but that is life.. and that is college. From my experience of staying up late and doing homework... I got that shit done and I did it on my own. (This sounds horrible, but Im just annoyed right now!) 

So tomorrow will be my first day working with Stacy (the assistant of Emily aka: girl I confronted, lol), who will be my new assistant in my classroom. Im excited to have someone who will be more involved in running my classroom. I honestly dont know how thats going to feel since I havent had anyone working WITH me since I began teaching. Emily is getting Christa, a girl who used to fill-in in the toddler classrooms whenever there was someone sick. Im really hoping that she helps to lay down the law in there since that room is absolutely horrible. Im still trying to understand Emily as a teacher and Jordan actually brought up that Emily might have undiagnosed ADD. When I think about my past experiences with Jordan and compare them to Emily, they are almost exactly the same. Jordan was going to have a heart to heart with her about it but Im not certain that it ever did happen. Its also clear to me that Emily is just sugary sweet on the outside and a bitch on the inside. She is also super competitive over smallest things, as if she needs to prove something... of which, that is probably true.

This weekend was spent being sick. I woke up with pink eye Saturday morning along with round two of this wonderful cold that Ive had for a couple of months. I went to Target's Minute Clinc... which actually took an hour and then getting the meds from Target's Pharm took another half an hour. By the time we finally left we spent two hours in Target just waiting around. But from there we went and did our fall tradition of going to Minnesota Harvest for apple pickling. We hopped on a hay ride and then picked apples, paid and went home. It was incredibly busy and that made it almost not worth sticking around. That place has become way too comericalized. They have not figured out a way to handle all of the parking or realized how helpful it would be to pave to reduce the mudd problem. We have a huge bag of apples and to reduce the number we have to eat before they go bad, I made some yummy apple crisp tonight (for the first time ever! and it came out geat!).

Going to bed early in hopes that it will help me feel better than I did this morning!

Im reading about the high-scope approach for school right now.

It snowed yesterday morning, but melted by the afternoon. We are suppose to get 7 inches over night tonight. The fall leaves hardly had a chance to change colors.

Max's face smells like chocolate. He got into the leftovers of my cup of hot chocolate that I was drinking last night... while I was sleeping in this morning. 

Marc left early this morning to help his parents move out of their house and into their new townhome. They have to be out by tonight. Its bittersweet, really.

Marc told his extended family about his two year plan last night. "So that means you guys arent getting married for at least another two years, huh." Ugh, thanks for reminding me of my potential four year engagement.

My itunes are on shuffle right now. I gotta get used to this quiet space sometime, somehow.



Things are changing around me but I still feel like Im standing still.

Marc sent his application in today and the decision is pretty much final (you may want to be sure about going since the application fee is $100. Holy crap!) Over the last two weeks there were some days where I thought I had made peace with it. But its when I think about how isolating its going to be for me, I feel super anxious. I skipped school on Tuesday because the thought of him leaving for school made me feel sick to my stomach with anxiety. I never skip school other than actually being sick and... that night I just felt like I needed to go home and hide out a little under my covers. All of this has been pretty draining. I was so exhausted this week with worry. I dont think I got a good night of sleep this whole week. I hope I will get over these worries of the next two years, before he leaves because the truth is - he is going away for school and I gotta face it. I mean in the end it will be a positive thing. We do need the money.

So Jordan's last day is next Thursday. She still doesnt have a job in Fargo and I have no idea how she is going to pay for her bills or rent.... but thats Jordan for ya! lol I am going to be working with the assistant that works in the toddler room with the girl I yelled at a few weeks back (Emily). She can not stand working with her and she finally told my boss that she wanted to work in my room. (A few weeks earlier she was heisitant because she really likes the kids in her room.) Emily is really getting on everyone's nerves in 'toddlerland' lately. Today she was out of her classroom the whole day because once again she had an extra person in her classroom to watch the kids that bite. Thats great, nice and everything... but arent you the teacher of the classroom?! That kind of requires you to be in the classroom and teaching... You know, thats your job.

I walked into the computer room and she was pearched there on the computer. I was makinga copy and said to her, "Have you been getting a lot of curriculum done? Wow, it must be nice to have time to work on it all day long." lol She looked at me and said quickly, "Oh, yeah. You should see if you can get sometime next week to do yours." *rolls eyes* I believe she likes kids but doesnt like working with them. She likes planning curriculum but is extremely unorganized. She is ALWAYS out of the classroom. I like her overall but I never know if Im talking to her or if she is being fake to me. Why cant people just be themselves?! Parents have been noticing lately as well. My boss is terrible at doing something about these crappy employees we somehow always get... can you tell?  

Its going to be nice working with Stacy. She seems pretty dependable and my kids and parents already love her, so it should be a smooth transition. :) Im looking forward to having an assistant who will follow through with tasks and do their part in keeping my classroom clean. I am so sick of doing everything myself, on top of cleaning up after Jordan/kids when it was her turn to do it. Jordan and I had a lot of laughs and I enjoyed getting to know her... but change is good. I wont have to worry about my classroom not running properly every min of the day.

Just for the record: Damn, Im an awesome teacher. ;) 

I got a $300 bonus the other day for my awesomeness over the past year. Also, a 50 cent raise!

Its so fucking cold here tonight. Whatever happened to having a little swagway into fall? Word on the street is that its going to snow tonight. Ugh! It probably wont stick but its still pretty annoying to be even be touched by that shit before Halloween gets here. I still need to get out to my dad's to get my winter coat that is still over there.

Speaking of my dad's... my uncle has been over a couple weekends in a row. He got the furance working again! (Yay! No wood burning stove hazard this winter.) and the electricity works in my ex bedroom (now Nate's room) and in the basement. How awesome is that! I cant wait to hear why it went out in the first place. I hope it was worth suffering through two winters of hauling in wood to keep warm and freezing every morning getting out of the shower because the fire went out over night. Wow... I look around - man, Ive come a long ways from where I was. I am happy that I dont have to worry about my dad's house burning down this winter and that they now have the conviences of electricty in all parts of the house.

Marc will have his 2 year degree in November in finance but he doesnt want to continue to get his four degree. I can see its not something he is truely excited or interested in. Off and on during the course of our relationship, has talked about going to school to be an airplane mecanic and last week he started to talk about it more seriously.

There are few schools that offer the program and none of them are in Minnesota. He looked into it a lot more and there is an 18 month program in Kansas City (the closest school to here that offers it) and he has been truely considering it. The school seems ideal considering that classes dont start until 5pm and they expect you to get a job for during the day. There are apartment dorms to live in there while you are attending school. Ideally he wants to get a airport job so he can fly home for cheap or free and also to make money to send me his half of the rent as he goes to school.

Oh yeah. So, Im not going with him.

I understand his reasoning for it all because I couldnt see myself doing something that I wasnt passionate about either. Also, I wasnt about to tell him that he couldnt go, even though right now he is practicly asking for my permission. That would be incredibly selfish of me... but naturally I am feeling selfish about it quite a bit.

I just didnt see myself living alone after only a few months of living together. I moved here because I liked the area (Marc grew up 10 mins from here) and it was a short communte to both of our workplaces. I am pretty far away from my Dad's and now that Marc's parents are moving to St. Paul, I will truely be out here on my own. It scares me a lot because I dont have anyone around to depend on if.. say, my car breaks down. I wanted indepedance but I didnt want to be alone. I mean I can hardly be home alone without lights be on in every room. Ahh!

All of this has given me a lot of anxiety this past week. I will keep you updated about this as it developes.

God, why are you testing my strength again? I thought the last 2 years proved that I passed that one with flying colors.

Sorry for the random updates lately. I dont ever mean to worry anyone. I suppose sometimes I forget that there are people in my life who read this and wonder whats going on with me. lol I just use this journal as therapy or an empty room to scream in. ;p

On the home front things have been better and you should be proud that I am standing my ground about what I believe in. Actually I have been much less passive with the things that bother me and much more confrontational. Im not very good at being a confrontational person, let me tell you. lol For me, its an explosion of emotion and usually not the right about of emotion comes out. Normally it all comes out at once and its quite ugly. Thats the part I am not proud of... not being able to express myself without coming out like Im a complete bitch. Im not sure where this new found bravery has come from. Perhaps I am channeling my mom's whistle blowing tendancies that she once had working with the elderly. Anyways,...

Marc has been way more loving lately, which I love and hate actually. lol Its hard for me to be so touchy feely daily with him, but I am slowly warming up to that. Not because its him, but because Im not used to getting lots of physical touch during the day. I really love that he is here for me when I need a hug, and not like before where I could only call him on a daily basis and recieve verbal hugs. Now, whenever I need one he is physically there to give me one. its so much different from when you dont live with someone. You do all the physical stuff during a portion of the day and then you go home. Its wonderful and overwhelming all at once!

I never knew I had this whole space issue until I moved in with Marc. I could analyze it to not having enough physical touch growing up. Hugging my dad after my mom passed away was very uncomfortable. Saying, "I love you" is also a strange thing to speak to someone in my family. Its just something we never did. Its kind of one of those things that is just assumed. It seems so simple, but its actually hard to say. Maybe I will get to the point where I can get the words out and vice versa.

Back to being more confrontational... today was a prime example of it at work! ive been sick for a couple of weeks now with a sinus infection and a bad cough. Why dont you go in, you ask. Well, you know I am horrible about going to the doctor. Anyways, I woke up this morning just utterly exhausted and felt like someone punched me in the face. I asked my boss if it was possible for me to leave early but it wasnt possible since our extra staff girl had to be in the other toddler room helping the teachers with children who have been biting lately. She asked me if I could hang in there (which is reddiculous because we just got a memo saying, if your sick... then stay home!). Yeah, yeah. So I stayed. We went outside and I noticed that the lead teacher of the other toddler room was missing from outside. I ask the teachers where she was. They rolled their eyes and said she was inside working on curriculum stuff.

WTF?! There isnt a third person in your classroom so you can be out of the classroom all day working on curriculum. The third person is there to be another set of eyes for your biting problem. But what pissed me off more is that.... I was at work sick and not able to go home early because there wasnt any extra staff, and here she was using the extra person in her room as an opprotunity to not be in the classroom. Since my boss was in a meeting I went to her assistant and told her about the problem. She said she would tell my boss. lol Gee, thanks! I went back outside and the other staff members in that room unloaded their frusterations about their day. This just fired me up and I decided to go inside and give her a little peice of my mind. lol ha!

So I went inside and told her pretty much that she needed to be outside because she has biters and that I could be home now getting better if she didnt need the extra person in her room for biting, which was obvisously the case since she was inside doing other things. She basically said, that its redicculous for her to be out there since there was 4 people outside watching the kids play. I told her SHE is responsible for what happens to her children, not me or her assistants. I pretty much walked away and went back outside pissed. My assistant boss found me outside (the teacher went to her after our confrontation) and said that I could "go home, sleep and be happy." lol On my way back in, me and the other teacher crossed paths. We didnt say anything to each other. We'll see what happens tomorrow with this drama.

So I came home and slept for 4 hours.... and I feel so much better! :) Mission accomplished right?

On another work note... Jordan put in her 2 month notice. I will write more about that as I understand the details of her leave.

Gotta to go class... at least I am refreshed! haha

Why am I always the reciever of everyone's bullshit. Am I a magnet just because I'm a nice person and people think I'll listen?! UGH! Some days I just can't deal!!

There's somethings you never get over
Whatever your parents say
First on my list of these three things
Is the sight of my father walking away
Next on my list would be heaven
I already know what it's like
Cause I fell in love when I was 16
with the absolute love of my life
Last on my list would be losing
But someone always needs to win
And thumbing your nose at the boss
I suppose just feels like a beautiful thing

And it's something that nobody tells you
You figure it out if you can
Well there's one thing on earth that no one can touch
It's the sleep of a satisfied man
Yeah the sleep of a satisfied man

And I don't know why I love believing
But it's not from lack of loving you
You can't remember when you stopped breathing and I can't remember it too
But I'm coming home tomorrow
And I wanted you to know
That the part of me that can make you smile is the same part that needed to go

And it's something that nobody tells you
You figure it out if you can
Well they can't interfer or get inside of here
To the sleep of a satisfied man
Yeah the sleep of a satisfied man

Of all the things I've had to learn
One won't quit
No matter how I try
One won't quit
It's all that I can stand
One won't won't quit
I'll never learn to say goodbye
But I hope for your sake that you can

And on April 2nd the birth of my heart
The day that the zombie awoke with a start
When I fell for Button and she fell for me
Back in the spring of 1993
January 7th 2005 the birth of my blood came fully to life
When I see St. Peter and ask for my wings
Just leave me that memory and the joy that it brings

It's something that nobody tells you
You figure it out if you can
It's the things that you never get over
Build the character of a man

And if heaven and family and children
Are what's left of me when I die
Then I hope for your sake that you're better than me at this learning to say goodbye

Yeah if heaven and family and children
Are what's left of the race that I ran
Then I'll quietly slip to the slumbering peace of the
sleep of a satisfied man
Yeah the sleep of a satisfied man
Yeah the sleep of a satisfied man
Man I'm satisfied

I wish more people in my life would learn how to be more forgiving of me and have more patience.

School started this week and when its Wednesday night, it means class for the week is over with. Man, that feeling is such a relief for me. I think its because I dont have the stresses of school and having to come home to a crazy home life afterwards. Its nice to get it over with and then feel ok about the rest of my week.  I think I am able to think more clearly and not get so overwhelmed by each stresser in my life like before, when it all just ran together. Its nice that I finally can put school away for a couple of days and then come back to it after having fun inbetween and destressing a little.

Seriously, when will my life balance out where as I have great relationships with others and everything else is going somewhat smoothly all at the same time. I know this is what I want idealisticly and its not a realistic, achievable thing...but I really wish that the stress of dealing with other people wasnt so static as it has been lately.

Marc and I had another fight last Sunday morning. I spent most of Saturday alone and was really happy to see him when he got home from work. But he kind of just focused in on his laptop and then decided to head for bed since he was tired. I shouldnt have taken offense to this... but I think of it almost like working all day long with a group of kids. When you get a moment to talk to your co workers, you do. I just felt like I needed some sort of interaction and I was surpassed! I went to bed kind of mad, and when I woke up I did what I always do when things are not okay about us... I confronted him. This of course, brought up old unresolved stuff such as his comments regarding my cleaning habits. I sat up in bed and was like, "FINE! Tell me the rules of living with you Marc because I am sick of living around you." He said, "First of all, daily spread your legs." *insert jaw drop here* I ran into to the bathroom balling my eyes out. Of course this comment was disrespectful but I was equally pissed that (ONCE AGAIN) he wasnt taking what I was saying seriously. He ran after me and apologized, saying he was trying to lighten the mood. I took a shower and got my head straight. When I got out he basically kissed ass (as he should have) and I accepted his apologies to an extent. We had some errands that we needed to run and we had a good time shopping and picking up some things to make dinner later on.

He has been trying hard this week and it hasnt gone unnoticed. Monday night he needed to run over to his mom's for something and thought to go get some dinner at a restuarant we both like to-go, so I could be left alone with my homework. He also picked up a movie (Passengers, which I recommend!) so we could have a movie night. When he got home and I was still working on it so he cleaned the kitchen to pass the time to wait for me. (Wow!) I finished and we had dinner and snuggled on the couch with him and watched the movie before going to bed.

Oh yeah. Also few weeks back we had a fight about the dishes not being done, because he was convinced he was seeing fruit flies in our apartment. He thought that my lack of urgency to get the dishes done (although I do them every night) was causing these fruit flies. Well, it seems the fruit flies got worse over the past couple of weeks until Marc was also seeing a cloudyness when he looked down. As we know Marc is as blind as a bat... and he finally realized that something was wrong with his eyes. After a few days later, and lot more convincing, he finally went in to get them checked out. Apparently he has a torn retina, which if gone untreated could cause pernament blindness! Marc felt pretty bad that he blamed me for this... so called fruit fly problem, when he was seeing things the whole time. Perhaps this also could cause him to see those invisable pet stains. lol Ugh, I told you all there is always something!

I had coffee with my dad last Saturday and it was good conversation. We went to a thrift store and found a bedframe with me. It was nice that we didnt get into any fights. Its been awhile. They are coming over on Sunday to visit... Im not sure what they want to do here. I think I might have to cook something and keep them occupied. lol I am not very good at this host thing yet.

Im so down in the dumps tonight and I just cant quite pin the problem. I sold back my textbooks at school this morning and then went over to my dads. We went to a thrift store and I found a bed frame for $30. I came home ate dinner by myself and watched tv. I think part of this depression is just feeling alone lately. I dont feel attractive and wanted.... bleh! I need a good snuggle tonight and kisses on my forehead. I think I might be channeling one of my toddlers. UGH.

I am currently sitting here drinking a beer and watching the show that makes the most relax... Bridezillas, of course! lol

What a fucking long ass day at work. It was pretty stressful. I just got a new perspective of how things work around there. My kids are just dollar signs to the owners and they dont care what happens to them as long as their parents are paying up and bringing home the bacon for them. I have 8 kids moving up to preschool and since the new young preschool classroom isnt ready until next week they wont be able to visit during the morning hours this week. Its just shitty that they will be thrown into a classroom and will be expected to function as a preschooler without a proper transition. Im totally frusterated that I cant even be an advocate for my children... because weather they are developmentally ready or not, doesnt matter. They will move on to preschool because there are spots that needed to be filled. Its just pretty disgusting.

So that is why I am very happy to be home tonight. 

In other news, my relationship is progressing towards being more positive and better in general. He brought it all up actually and said that he felt bad for treating me badly lately. We talked last night and I laid out my expectations as far as us living together and explained how he has made me feel for the past month. I cried because it was such a release for me since I as begining to think that we werent going to last  as a couple together. I was thinking that if he cant deal with this kind of a change then how can he deal with being married and furthermore having kids. 

He told me that the move has really been hard on him and he has been having trouble adjusting (obvisously). He was having trouble getting past how I grew up. I asked him what he meant  by that and he said because my house was falling a part he assumed that I would be lazy when we lived together. That I was raised not to care about where I live and that is why he was on me about the crumbs in the kitchen and being neat and tidy. That really hurt me because he knows for damn sure that I wasnt raised to not care about where I lived... I grew up in the house I did because my family didnt have the money to keep up on a house was already falling apart when we moved in (when I was a baby). He said, "Yeah I know. Im trying to get past it."

Now, Im not saying that everything is fine and wonderful. Things are better for sure. I told him that he needs to start trying harder. He needs to stop being so negative and making comments when he knows he is just pushing buttons. I also said that he needs to start contributing to this apartment... like cleaning and cooking. So this is a step. 

Back to relaxing. Oh yeah. Did I mention class starts tomorrow? Ugh! It does.... 3 more semesters, 3 more semesters.... back to relaxing.